Dealing with to much.

Hey guys. So as you can see I finally changed out the blog and remade it. I wanted to start over and I had a redirect link that I could not take away so that was the other reason for that mostly.

 As you guys can see, I had a post about the depression and other things that been going around lately.
There has been alot of things that don't make any sense to me and things that someone doesn't get what I try to say.

I get annoyed by the fact I keep being pushed down and blamed. I hate the fact that someone doesn't see a truth in front of them.



Anyways, remember I mentioned the one that I truly loved and got pushed away? Well of course I still want her in my life. But the one thing she didn't get, was I don't want her as just a relationship.

Here's is a thing I don't get. I was friends with her for alot of years, yes I loved her, but I love her her. Her. I want her, because she was the one for me. I took care of her for years because I cared. It wasn't just a relationship, it was care and friendship. I wanted her. Just her.

What I'm getting at is that, I can't love someone and be thought that I just wanted her as a relationship? If I just wanted her as a relationship, then I wouldn't be with her right now, I wouldn't talk, I wouldn't be doing games with her. I would be denying her all the time. I say, leave me alone. But do I do that? No. So I don't know what this thing, "mean", and I don't think ill have the headache to find out anymore.

The reason why I talk less to her is because I'm  massively depressed, not just because I don't have her as a relationship, is because I can't be there to take care of her and watch over her. She threw me away for someone else that is doing the same thing.

I was freaked out when she was in a rebound relationship, why wouldn't I tho? Because every rebound relationship ends up in a real one. You know why? Because I was that victim. I gave someone a rebound as well and ended up in love. This is why I freaked out when she announced it with someone. I knew for a fact that he will do anything to get her for real.

Not wanting a relationship should of been no rebound. Thinking I am the only one that just wanted a relationship? That someone else wanted the same thing.

Sometimes I wonder if it was all just a play to get in that relationship. Alot of that goes in my head because I know how that plays out.

She is now engaged. That also killed me. This is another reason why I talk less as well, because how fast it went.

I cry in my sleep some nights and I almost cry while I work. How can I feel fine how someone you really cared about. You sat and been with her for years and being in a relationship, then suddenly she leaves from out of love and turns around and decides to be engaged with someone else?

How does it make me feel? Like I shouldn't exist anymore. If this guy is so much better, then I guess me shouldn't of happened ever..



Despite all this, I have been trying everything I can to resort my mind. Its still in a very broken state, but I am trying to control what I think and other things.